One hand I have this dream of making like a million dollars and on the other hand I feel like I am over-identified with my psychological drama. Just like today, I had a meeting at 11:00 Am this morning and I was ready for the meeting. I dropped a message on on platform to my colleague who shall remain nameless because this may turn into a book. She did not reply to me on on that platform and when I dropped a message on another platform after 30 mins, she said she can’t have it right now. 

That annoyed me alot. I felt disrespected. I felt like if you are too nice to someone, they do not take you seriously. Which I think is true. But what to do about that? Stopped being nice? Well, that’s why most people these days are not nice. Because many people have taken advantage of their niceness. And I am also in a dilemma. I do yoga, and in these intense situations, try a lot to calm down. But for some reason, the intensity is such that I lose my mind. 

I know I am over-reacting here. But the thing is, I do not want it to happen to me again. So the thought loop is going crazy. Should I not be nice and sweet to people? Should I be sweet? What should I do? 

I know it’s funny and stupid. But the intensity of the mind in these situations is such that I forget other stuff. I do yoga and stuff, but in these moments I lose it all. 

This is the thought loop that’s going on in my head. But one moment it pops up. The real problem is not the outside world but the inside world. The more I look at the situation that happened today that more I feel like my ego is hurt. Which brings us to main point what is ego?

Honestly I can google it and paste it here. But from my own experience, ego is nothing but the identification with mind and body and that too, the intense one. Yes, I am identified with mind as well as body. And the whole system of yoga is designed to create a distance between these 2 entities. Now, that I know I have this weakness, the next though was how to fix it?

I started chanting mantra, tried sitting still, watched my thoughts, nothing worked. I really do not know what to do know. But I know the real solution. Unless my identification does not come lose, I will never become free. So what to do about that? Well I do not know. One thing that I think, I will be doing is moving forward fast. Really really fast. Doing lots and lots of stuff at the same time. I really want those 1 million. But to be honest. I do not know how. 

Will all issues be solved with that 1 million. Not at all. But, I will have one kind of freedom. Financial freedom. Rest will happen. 

I want that to happen fast but I do not know how to do that. 

Ok, let’s do one thing. From tomorrow, i am gonna put my body through some intense stuff. That will break the body. About the mind, which is more important, I think I will start reading stuff and also will shant shamboo mantra with more intensity. Shamboo should break my mind. I think this will work. 

Gonna, sleep now, I will let you guys know what I did and it it actually worked for me.